I WILL NOT SEND YOU PICTURES!
Original Posts/
18+/ NSFW/ 37 yrs old/ female/ Sub/ newbie/ Journey of self rediscovery/ exploring not looking/ Emotional Roller-coaster
People often talk about how there is one person that always loves the other more in a relationship. How one person feels it just a bit more, a bit deeper.
Love vs IN love
When those relationships are over, they usually get labeled:
Narcissist
Empaths
Abuser
Victim
User
Used
Heart breaker
Broken hearted
Whatever
Then there’s usually the aftermath. Insecurity, self doubt, self harm, lack of confidence, etc.
But what if your after is overcompensation?
You know you are amazing. You know you are a great person, partner, lover, friend. What if you know the sun rises and sets depending on if you walk in or out of a room.
What if your issue is no one sees it?
You still end up feeling like you have to prove your worth!
Prove how special, unique, awesome.
The sun rising as you walk into a room means nothing to someone wearing a blindfold.
But yet, you try.
And then you try harder.
And harder.
FOR WHAT!?
Then you realize it and begin to learn to stop.
And you meet someone and start all over again.
And end…. All over again.
What happens then when you meet someone that doesn’t need proof? Doesn’t need you to show them who you are, what you are?
What an adjustment….
What a mind fuck….
The damage from the past can present itself in such strange ways, but paying attention to your own behaviors and insecurities and triggers helps you make the proper adjustments.
And when you have a partner that you can confide in, willing to gain understanding, that makes a world of difference.
Too bad the rest of you baggage prevents you from having the conversation in the first place
My awkwardness when in intimate situations. I clam up and it takes a while for me to loosen up. The shyness takes months to dissipate.
Maybe it’s me…
The way I second guess every text before I send it, every word before I say it, every thought while I think it.
I’ve been trained to be silent, not put my thoughts or words forward without permission. It seems like I’m still out going, but I shut down when ignored or yelled at. My insecurities have picked up their own baggage and moved me down the track from “I’m not pretty enough.” “I’m not good enough.” “I’m not sexy enough.” To “I’m clingy.” “I’m needy.” “I’m annoying.”
I thought I was past these things and then someone comes along and I see my nervousness to engage because of those insecurities more then the insecurities themselves.
Sex has become easy. Allow your body to relax and feel and go with where you are being taken. The emotions though, those are hard.
Not feeling secure or safe enough to express needs and wants, desires and demands, barely enough to feel like myself.
I can’t feel what I feel because I don’t allow it or maybe I no longer know how to allow it.
So I stare at the blinking line, wondering should I send a hi, a what’s up. Wondering if there is a sigh or eye roll cause I texted. Wondering if I’m on ignore because of what I texted.
The bags I’ve picked up along the way have nothing to do with the new, but they suffer from the side effects of hurt and trauma from before.
The sense that if I do, I’m wrong, if I don’t, I’m wrong and no space in between.
How do I break this and not ruin a good thing? How do I be me and not be me at the same time?
woke up and someone spilled vanilla extract all over my dash, so as punishment you strange little beasties are getting all the VANILLA FACTS i know:
vanilla is the 2nd most expensive spice in the world (2nd to saffron)
which is why more than 99% of what we call “vanilla extract” is actually vanillin (vanilla’s dominant flavor compound) and is not extracted from real vanilla.
luckily, even professionals struggle to tell the difference when it comes to things like baked goods. but there is a distinct difference in non-heat treated products like vanilla ice cream. real vanilla has a more complex, individualized flavor profile.
why is vanilla so expensive? because it is a ridiculously delicate & demanding crop. complete primadonna.
vanilla beans come from vanilla orchids. these crazy flowers bloom for A SINGLE DAY and have to be HAND-POLLINATED in a process that is exhausting, delicate, and requires specialist knowledge passed down over generations.
then, if you’re lucky, you get vanilla beans.
which then require months of further specialized treatment.
the entire process takes about a year and can go wrong at any stage
vanilla has been cultivated for over 800 years (possibly much longer). the first known cultivators are the Totonac, an indigenous people of Mexico.
the Aztecs used it as a sweetener to balance out the bitter taste of cocoa. it was popular in a drink called xocolatl–the precursor to modern hot chocolate!
it is only pollinated by a very specific orchid bee!!!
which is why no fruit could be grown outside of Mexico until the 1800s
Edmond Albius, born into slavery, invented the pollination method we still use today–launching a global industry when he was just 12 years old.
today, the majority of the world’s vanilla is grown in Madagascar
if you want real vanilla, read the labels carefully–it’s harder to find than you think!
in conclusion, those tiny black specks you see in fancy vanilla ice cream? those are vanilla bean seeds! itty bitty orchid seeds!!! they are delicious and also a PRISSY BITCH!
